- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. - When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you. - When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. - When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" - Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection! - You and your teeth don't sleep together. - Your back goes out, but you stay home. - You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture. - It takes two tries to get up from the couch. - Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. - Happy hour is a nap. - When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there. - Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. - Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer. - The pharmacist has become you new best friend. - It takes twice as long to look half as good. - The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time. - You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest. - You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience but actually, it's just that you don't care any more. - You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. - You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. - You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector. - Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are. - Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell. - You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car. - Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin. - Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. - It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. - If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. - Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient. - Things you buy now won't wear out. - No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way. - Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. - In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. - You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. - You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya.

" - Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows. - You wonder why you waited so long to take up macram. - At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough. - Your new easy chair has more options than your car. - Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments.

" - It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. - You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker. - You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." - You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. - You look both ways before crossing a room. - You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost. - You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up. - Your childhood toys are now in a museum. - Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...

come back in style. - All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color. - The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. - Your back goes out more than you do. - You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car. - You are proud of your lawn mower. - Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws. - Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music. - You would rather go to work than stay home sick. - You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. - You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. - You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. - Neighbors borrow your tools. - People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" - You have a dream about prunes. - You send money to PBS. - The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. - You take a metal detector to the beach. - You wear black socks with sandals. - You know what the word "equity" means. - You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. - Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. - You get into a heated argument about pension plans. - You got cable for the weather channel. - You can go bowling without drinking. - You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. - You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. - Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. - Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. - Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. - You look forward to a dull evening. - Your knees buckle and your belt won't. - You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. - You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded. - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative. - Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. - Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet